Should We Stay Married for the Children?		Second Chances : Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee (Contributor)
by David C. Mathis, Ed.D.		For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered by E. Mavis Hetherington, John Kelly (for a different perspective)

A humorous story was told of an elderly couple appearing in divorce court after many, many years of marriage. The judge, in amazement, asked why now, after so many years of marriage. They replied: “We wanted to wait until the children were all gone.” I have heard the phrase, “wait until the children were grown” but this couple took it to a new meaning. Yet, this reflects the dilemma that individuals and couples sometimes face. They may question whether it is better to be together in an unhappy marriage for the children’s sake or whether to proceed with a divorce. Here are some thoughts related to this very real and difficult dilemma.

Let me first address the issue of how divorce affects children. It was once thought that children are so resilient that they make adjustments and could escape essentially unharmed by their parents’ divorce. Research has shown that most children will be negatively impacted by divorce and that some will be severely impacted. This is not be sound fatalistic but there is a harsh reality about divorce that caring parents will want to consider when contemplating divorce. Judith Wallerstein has written two separate books in which she gives results from long-term research but also from the personal accounts of families who have gone through a divorce. She provides suggestions and guidance about how to deal with a divorce in a way so as to lessen the impact on the children but she accepts the reality that most will be negatively affected in some way. The children who were least affected were those whose parents continued to have a civil, even friendly, relationship following the divorce. Children, if given the choice, would prefer to have their parents together and are not particularly concerned about the quality of their parents’ marriage unless there is abuse or some other type of severe instability in the family.

Secondly, considering the impact of a divorce on children can influence the decision to stay together. A broader view of this issue is that such consideration may the basis for renewed effort to improve the relationship. To say it another way, the responsibility the parents feel towards their children’s welfare is usually take very seriously. Such a responsibility may influence individuals to remain together in an unhappy marriage but it can also serve as a motivation for mending a marriage. Putting our children’s interest at the forefront may allow us the strength to grow and develop as individuals to the degree that we can make new contributions to the healthiness of a marriage. A successful marriage relationship usually involves growing beyond ourselves so as to be able to understand and accept our spouse more fully. That new understanding can allow us to diminish some of the negatives about our spouse and our marriage and instead to begin to genuinely see strengths and contributions we have overlooked.

Finally, nothing here is intended to cause feelings of guilt about difficult decisions some people have had to make regarding divorce. We may have to make some difficult decisions. Once those decisions are made then we do all we can to make things as good as possible. No one else can know exactly the reasons for your decisions and so regardless of the judgment of others, you much start anew from the choices you have made.