Questions
Questions & Responses
Talking about the Past
Name: keith
I''m afraid to tell my lover a certain shameful thing or things in my past. I''ve heard that to have a very personally intimate and successful relationship with your lover is to share with them EVERYTHING that have had major influences on your life but also have heard that some things-perhaps sacred, in the accursed sense, I think- could be held back to keep mystery alive. I would like to share my feelings on the issue and just say "I''ve done some really shameful things but I feel okay about it" like now-not getting into details and just relating about shame, but I''d hate to think I''m holding back the reality of myself from her. I was wondering if you have heard of that kind of holding back from your partner? Basically, I''m asking could one just convey the feelings of certain subjects like shame without actually getting into it and hope for understanding and love? PLEASE RESPOND SOON
Dr. Mathis:
Keith, your "reality" of yourself is about the present with her. If YOU are really okay with your past it is a non-issue in the relationship. If you are still grappling with feelings of shame, then, you have more work to do. If it is affecting you in your ability to relate to her in a more intimate way emotionally then there is still work to do but not by dumping it on her. Honestly, I don't like the idea of using your past to create intrigue by making reference to it but then not opening up about it. Don't play games in the relationship. It sounds like you are wanting acceptance and I'm afraid this could be a set up for a test of whether she can truly accept you. Believe me, the relationship between the two of you will create enough opportunities to test that. My suggestion, take your time to think about this because once you have shared, there is no taking back.
The present is important, not the past.
Abusive Marriage
Name: S. L.
Comments: Can you please help me. I am 45 yrs.old. I have been married to my husband for 17 years. We have a 16 year old son. My son is an honor student and has great expectations for the future. My problem is, I am in a very abusive relationship with my husband. His anger is out of control, not toward our son, but me. I have been to therapy for about 8 years, he won''t go. I have fought depression and thoughts of suicide because of the intense pain. I have tried to leave my husband many times, but each time, it has had such an emotional impact on my son, that I didn''t go through with it. I have endured such pain that my mental health and physical health has suffered greatly. My son is just fixing to get his ''class ring'', a truck, he;s looking into collages he may want to attend. He getting ready to start his life as an adult. But the abuse has gotten to the point that if I don''t leave, I may never even see my son graduate. I am so grieved about this. If I stay, I may not make it. If I leave, I may destroy my son. I have put him first and foremost for all these years, but now, I know in order to live, I must go. My husband said he will file bankruptcy before he''ll give me a dime. I''m so afraid of what lies ahead, it makes me want to stay just to not have to put my son and myself through this. My husband won''t leave. God can anyone help me. I am so hurt and lost I don''t know where to turn.
Dr. Mathis: This is a very complicated sitution and I would not want to advise you in any way. What I can say in a general way is that if you do what is best for you that you son will come to understand that in time. He may even see it as best for him, eventually. You will need to use you judgment as an adult and trust in the bond that you have with your son that he will come to understand that you made a thoughtful decision about what you thought was best. Also be aware that even though you may see yourself as staying for the sake of your son, it is not a healthy environment for him either. Your husband's threats are meant to intimidate you and they have worked. You must take them seriously but also decide not to live in fear. Get in touch with others that you can trust and that can offer assistance, especially a local organization. Best wishes.