Some Unanswered Questions About Suicide
David C. Mathis, Ed.D.
It is difficult for most of us to imagine that someone would take his or her own life, but it happens. When it happens to someone we love it is devastating because not only is there the pain of loss but also the pain that comes from knowing there was also a choice. To the victim of suicide, he or she came to believe that no other choice was viable. To the survivor, any other choice would have been better.
If you have lost a loved one to suicide, you have learned that many others have also experienced suicide of a friend or family member. Still, the pain of suicide is especially deep. Here are some typical questions that linger:
Why did he do it?
The obvious answer is that he was in pain, mostly emotional pain. This pain may have arisen from physical disease. It may have been the pain of loss or loneliness. It may have been the pain of mental illness. We can never fully know or understand the pain of another.
How could she leave us?
Most likely, the choice was not seen as leaving someone else as much as leaving one’s own pain. When an individual is in emotional pain, her thinking can become very pessimistic and dark. When in that state of depression it is possible to rationalize that others will not miss her, that they would be better off without her because she is a burden anyway (as she sees it) and others will be able to go on with their lives.
What did I do wrong?
We naturally feel responsible for our children and loved ones. We can even feel responsible for things outside of our control. When a person has decided to take his life, no one can prevent it. There are people who have lived with and struggled with feelings of suicide for years. They cannot be locked up in a hospital or kept under 24 hour surveillance - even though that is what we might theoretically want. We cannot control another person’s life.
The reality is that suicide leaves very deep emotion pain for the survivors too. They will not only live with the understandable grief from loss but also with many unanswered questions. They may also have strong feelings of failure and guilt. They can look back and question themselves about not doing enough, not seeing it coming, not reacting quickly enough, and so forth. It can be difficult to find peace.
The reality is that there are no easy or certain answers. For some, they find some peace focusing on the person’s life and not just his or her death. For others, they come to accept that she made a choice for herself, not against anyone else. For others, they let go of feeling totally responsible. For others, they determine to make something good come from something so awful by reaching out and educating others. For others, they find help in the support of others who have suffered this loss. Still for others (if not most), they draw upon their faith.
The challenge for survivors is to choose life when someone they loved chose otherwise. Choosing life involves facing the loss. No one can tell you exactly how to carry on but it is important to have caring, supportive people to help you through your struggle as a survivor.