Listening

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="127015b3.jpg"> <div> <B>Listening</B><B>  |  </B><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><A HREF="http://help4self.net" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://help4self.net"><B>Home</B></A></FONT></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=125 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="play_attention.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Play Attention">Play Attention</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id56.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Autism and the Family">Autism and the Family</A></div> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.png" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Listening</B></div> <div> <A HREF="id57.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Coping with Divorce">Coping with Divorce</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Imaginary Audience">Imaginary Audience</A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 width="100%" BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>The Art of Listening</B></div> <div> by David C. Mathis</div> <bR> <div> There I sat with my ears alert, my attention focused, trying to grasp the meaning of every word.  I was sitting on the edge of my seat, leaning forward with interest and straining to keep out distractions when finally I had to say: “Honey, can’t you see I’m trying to watch the news.”  Obviously this was listening but with the wrong priorities so that I was not listening to whom I needed to.</div> <bR> <div> Listening can be a powerful act of acceptance.  A failure to listen can inflict a deep feeling of rejection.  Much of our communicating can take place in a very casual fashion.  We may be riding in a car to school, or setting around the dinning room table, or walking across the lawn.  We exchange ideas, feelings and thoughts.  This type of casual conversation is when we stay in touch about the day-to-day activities and plans.  For example, we might remind someone of a meeting:  “Remember that we have girl scouts meeting tonight.”  Or, “What time do I pick you up from basketball practice?”  Normal activities require communicating about plans. Other types of communicating require more effort.</div> <div> When my child, spouse or friend, for example,  is wanting to tell me something important, it is necessary that I listen in more than a casual way.  If we are having a disagreement, casual listening is not enough.  I need to decide that it is time for active listening.  The art of active listening is based on the attitude that what you have to say is important to me.  That if I do not listen actively that I cannot really understand you.  Here is what active listening involves.</div> <bR> <div> 1.  <B>Attention</B>.  I will give you my undivided attention.  I will demonstrate this by maintaining eye contact, getting away from distractions, for example, a television program, and by not interrupting.  You get my attention.  You are my focus.  </div> <bR> <div> 2.  <B>Acknowledgment</B>.  I will demonstrate that I am following you by acknowledging what you say.  I might acknowledge you by saying: “Oh, I see what you mean.”  I might nod my head in acknowledgment.  Or, I might reflect what I perceive: “That seems really important to you.”  </div> <bR> <div> 3.  <B>Inviting</B>.  I express my desire to better understand you by inviting you to tell me more.  This is radically different from asking questions.  Questions can be a great, although unintentional, ploy to challenge what you are saying rather than trying to understand it.  If I’m unclear about something you say I might comment: “Say more about that.” Or, “What else can you tell me?” </div> <div>  </div> <div> 4.  <B>Summarizing</B>.  The only way that you can feel sure that I am understanding you is for me to put into <I>my</I> words what I understood you to say.  I might say: “Okay, so you believe that...”  Or, “So you feel that...”  The great thing about my effort to summarize is that it will usually lead to more information if I do not quite get the point you intended.</div> <bR> <div> 5.  <B>Asking Open Questions</B>.  Last in priority is asking questions.  Again, questions can be very distracting and unproductive to effective communication.  So try to limit your questions.  If you do need to ask a question, ask an open question.  For example, “What are you thinking about doing?”  This question asks for information.  “Why do you think that would work?” is a question that places the person in the position of having to defend his or her belief.  Open questions invite further discussion.</div> <bR> <div> Active listening is an art.  And like any art it can be developed through learning additional skills and practice.  </div> </td> </tr></table></body>