SELF-ESTEEM THAT COUNTS
by
David C. Mathis, Ed.D.
The importance of self-esteem in the development of children cannot be overemphasized. Children are especially dependent upon those most important in their life such as parents and grandparents to build their own self-esteem. It is not difficult to understand: If I feel valued, loved, and secure with those who are most important to me - I am going to feel good about myself. If my parents don't seem to want to spend time with me, if they always seem irritated at me - I will not feel very good about myself.
Without a positive self-concept children will exhibit their insecurity in many ways. For example, they may be afraid to try new activities for fear of failure. They may become overly sensitive to being criticized, since they feel wounded already, and may react with anger or aggression. They will likely lack confidence in relating to others and thus may have problems in developing friendships. Children with low self-esteem have been found not to do as well academically, especially in testing situations. Self-esteem is paramount in dealing with the world in a confident and successful manner.
One way to build self-esteem is through the attention and time shown by parents. Such attention conveys acceptance and worth. As a source of self-esteem, the parents provide the foundation. However, the time comes as the child matures and develops that self-esteem must continue to be build from competence. To be competent means having the necessary skills or qualities. Developing competence in an area requires learning and experience. As parents, we can encourage our children as they learn new skills. As they stumble along the way, we can encourage them to keep trying so that they can be successful. Through that eventual success they will see themselves as competent in that area. That is how it works.
A mistake we can make is to give our children false competence. "You can _________ better than anyone else. You're the best." That affirmation may sound supportive but it is flawed. The child may feel some success and confidence but that confidence can be shattered by comparison, competition, and possible failure. Competence comes through real success not just perceived success. A better way to build confidence is through recognizing and complimenting success, encouraging continued effort in the face of failure, and in all things giving genuine acceptance.
Children will have different strengths and weaknesses, just as we do. As parents we can promote activities that build on our children's strengths as a way of building competence. Again, success in those areas will build competence and competence strengthens self-esteem. A stronger self-esteem then helps children face their areas of weakness. Where are your child's strengths? You may want him to be a great baseball player, or her to be a great scientist -- Is that what he or she wants? If they show interest in a new area, encourage it. If they begin to have trouble and want to quit, encourage them to stick with it. But if after a good effort they want to let it go, then you need to let it go too. They can search for another area of success.
Self-esteem that counts, then, is built on a foundation of love and acceptance but it is further developed through successful experiences. As a child is successful and feels competent in one area his or her confidence also grows from taking on new challenges. That is the type of self-esteem that really counts.