Learning From Mistakes
by
David C. Mathis, Ed.D.
I was getting ready to mow the lawn so it was necessary to check the mower. After finding that it was in need of some oil, I began pouring the oil into the engine. My middle child came upon this and was curiously watching. As she watched she got closer and closer so she could better see where that oil was going. Then suddenly, her curiosity led her to put her head directly between me and the oil I was pouring. This was a much better view for her but left me with no idea about when to stop. I urgently told her to step back. Just at that moment the engine filled with oil and oil began to pour all over the mowing deck. My voice clearly expressed my irritation, "Haley!" She looked at me and sincerely offered: "You should have been watching what you were doing." At this point any father would have, like me, been overcome with laughter. What had seemed so serious was not quite so serious after all.
How often do we become upset over our children's mistakes? Mistakes are going to happen because they are, well, children. Mistakes are going to provide opportunities for learning. Mistakes are essential to growth and development. These mistakes also provide opportunities for us as parents to be guides and not just critics. Even the best parents will be annoyed and frustrated by these growth mistakes but what is needed is to allow the child to learn.
We can promote learning by dealing with the circumstance or situation and not by demeaning the child. For example, the oil on the lawn mower had to be cleaned up. That clean up is important. If we make messes, we bear the responsibility to clean them up. So Haley and I had to clean up the mess that "we" caused. That cleaning process was not done as punishment, it was done for learning. If I had made her clean up as an act of punishment, she would have known it. Children can tell when action is punishment rather than learning by our voices and statements. In other words, if we tell them "you made your bed, now you lie in it." That clearly implies punishment, rejection and criticism. On the other hand, if we focus on the mistake rather than the child we might say, "I'm sorry you had a spill but it has to be cleaned up." Mistakes will happen. We can also promote constructive learning from those mistakes.
Sometimes it seems easier to do it yourself rather than ask the child to correct a mistake but it is really a short-term benefit. In the long run they miss out on valuable lessons for life. Again, using the incident with the lawn mower as an example. The oil spill was not my first nor will it be the last. It really is no big deal, right, lawn mowers get dirty. But for the sake of learning I could include Haley in that clean up process rather doing it myself or just ignoring it. How often will a parent be criticizing a child for making a mistake while that parent is in the process of cleaning up the mess that was caused by the child? The learning that takes place in that situation is: "If I mess up, Mom or Dad will clean up my mess for me." Sure they may get a verbal reprimand but that is easily shut out. It is better to require the work and effort needed to correct the mistake. It would also be much better to oversee the child cleaning up rather than do it yourself
.
Mistakes will happen. Use mistakes as opportunities for learning. One other word of advise, I learned to be careful about pouring oil into that mower with children around.