HELPING YOUR CHILDREN OVERCOME FEARS
By
David C. Mathis, Ed.D.
"Mommy, where are you going?"
"I'm just going inside for a minute to check on the wash."
"Don't leave me out here!"
"It's okay. I'll be right back."
"No, No, don't go Mommy!"
"Honey, its okay. I'll be right back."
As he clings to her legs, "I'm afraid to be all by myself, don't go!!!"
"Okay, we'll go and check on it together."
This concerned mother is really not helping her child other than to relieve HIS immediate fear and discomfort. She is actually entering into an agreement that he is incapable of facing his fear of separation. Whether it is a fear of separation, facing a new situation or dealing with physical pain, the worse thing we can do as parents is to try to protect our children from these challenges. This mother thinks she must protect her son from his discomfort. By so doing she is preventing his further development. To genuinely help instead of hindering she will need a new way of thinking her role as a parent.
Fear is a common and natural emotion. Emotions can be quite helpful in arousing our responsiveness to a situation. We use that anxiety to stay on our toes but if it becomes too strong it freezes us. Unless we have learned how to use that anxiety in a helpful way then new situations continue to be dealt with in old ways. We want to escape and avoid. When we escape and avoid rather than face and overcome then the fear gains more strength. For the child in the opening dialogue, his fear of separation will only be more entrenched after the incident. What he needed was to face the situation, albeit fearfully, and see that he would live through it. The longer this process of escape and avoidance continues the stronger the fear is of responding to new situations. New situations but old ways of responding.
What should parents do to encourage healthy facing of fears?
1. Be totally unimpressed by fears. Of course some fears are healthy, for example, walking into a street without looking. But a child's irrational fear should be something the parent responds to in a very matter-of-fact manner. Our mother could have said: "I know you are afraid of being out here by yourself. I will be back in just a minute and you are to stay here." Upon which she turns and walks away without responding to his pleas. This is not cruel. It is action based on our belief that our child can face fears.
2. Do not try to convince your child that it is silly to be afraid. In fact, to do so will only give him or her more reason to show you how afraid he or she really is. Fears are very real. We are not denying the presence of the fear. Instead, we are allowing him or her the experience of overcoming the fear.
3. Offer encouragement. "You will learn not to be afraid of sleeping alone. I'm sorry if it is scary to you but it will get better."
We must be parents who believe in our children's ability to face fears and then let them do it.