Staying In Love
by
David C. Mathis, Ed.D.
In our society we glamorize and glorify the "falling in love" experience. It is the stuff of romance novels, soap operas and movies. The record setting movie, Titanic, included such a story line of romanticized love and the Celine Dion song, My Heart Will Go On, sings of a love held even when separated by death. The portrait is of a pristine love. But I wonder what Jack and Rose would have been like if they had survived the Titanic's sinking. Who is to say if their relationship or marriage would have survived after the adrenaline of falling in love had returned to normal levels. The realities of relationship are different from the fantasies of falling in love.
Falling in love is a mixture of reality and fantasy. The realities include physical and sexual attraction, pleasurable times together, ease of communicating, great interest in learning about the other, a desire to please the other, simply put a feeling of euphoria. The fantasies include an idealized image of the other, thinking that the typical problems faced in other relationships will not affect this relationship, that this euphoric feeling will last forever, that it will always be this easy to please and be pleased, that the differences don't matter, that the differences will get better, and that the strong attraction is proof that the relationship is the right one. The falling in love feeling is a great start but it is also a slippery slope if that is what the relationship is built on.
This is not to take away from the falling in love experience but rather to understand that it is the beginning, not the goal. The goal is to build a deepening commitment that is truly loving in nature. This kind of love is deep, rich, broad, and wide. This kind of love helps us to grow as a person so that we look beyond our own needs. This kind of love takes delight in pleasing another even when there is sacrifice. This kind of love also seeks physical and sexual expression but is not preoccupied with those aspects of the relationship. The "staying in love" experience is richer even if it does not seem to create the same type of euphoria as "falling in love."
Staying in love is based on commitment. This type of love is born out of a decision, a decision to be committed to another. While "commitment" may not sound nearly as exciting, committed love has so much more to offer. Committed love offers a depth of love that can only be known in this kind of relationship. It offers shelter from personal turmoil experienced through relationship failures. It offers peace and fulfillment through a secure connection with your spouse who is your soul-mate. Through the safety and security of a committed love, we are able to grow as individuals. We grow in our ability to give of ourselves for our spouse's well-being. We become more thoughtful and less selfish. We learn what we are made of and feel great personal integrity when we remain true to the vows we made. We seek to do what benefits our spouse rather than exacting something from our spouse. Committed love is beautiful and fulfilling. Whatever we give, we gain more in return.
Whatever issues you have to confront to be able to have this type of committed love will make you grow in ways necessary to have a fulfilling relationship.