Get Real!
by
David C. Mathis, Ed.D.
How difficult can it be to be your real self with others? My experience in my own life and with others tells me that it is more difficult than it might seem. So many times people make jokes or take jabs about an issue rather than expressing what they really want. It would seem much simpler to say to your spouse: " I just want a little time to relax" rather than jabbing: " Can't a person get a little time around here?! Gee! What's your problem?"
Let's think about what it takes to GET REAL.
Intimacy vs. Closeness
There are a lot of close relationships that lack intimacy. This type of "intimacy" is not referring to physical or sexual intimacy, even though that can be part of intimacy in a relationship. "Intimacy" is knowing each other. That means knowing each others thoughts and feelings so that you know the REAL person. To have that type of intimacy requires that you decide if you really want to be intimate. If you really want intimacy then you must be willing to get real and chance friction, even conflict. If I share my REAL feelings, you may not like it. But if you want intimacy in your relationship you have to share yourself---both pleasant and unpleasant. You must decide that you will not only share your thoughts and feelings but also encourage the other person to share---both pleasant and unpleasant.
Engaged vs. Withdrawn
Intimacy requires being engaged with my relationship. So often I see individuals feel angry, frustrated, hurt or any number of feelings, in a relationship. A common mistake is to withdraw into one's own inner world rather than engaging the relationship and sharing oneself. If I am angry at you, I can either work it through with you or withdraw. You might think: "Oh, I don't want to say anything and cause friction. I'll just work it out myself." What you have done is to withdraw. Your partner will be able to tell there is distance. Your partner may even ask: " Is something wrong?" Too often the reply is: " No." That response is a famous form of withdrawal. Intimacy is found by engaging---not withdrawal.
Authentic vs. Sincere
Sincere can be a pretense. Authentic is real. Sometimes, with best of intentions, we try to seem sincerely interested or caring. There is nothing wrong with consideration and kindness except when it interferes with being authentic. If your relationship is important to you and you want intimacy in that relationship, then you need to be authentic. When an acquaintance on the street asks "How are you?" as a gesture of kindness, it is would seem odd to give a detailed account of all of your concerns or problems.
But when someone important asks about your relationship with him or her, it is necessary to be authentic if that relationship is to deepen. A sincere response might be: "I'm okay." An authentic response might be: "There is something I need to talk about."
Too many people are unhappy and dissatisfied in their relationships. The reasons for the discontent can be numerous but a desire for true intimacy can help lead us in the direction of becoming more content and satisfied in our relationships.