Communication that Helps

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="127015b3.jpg"> <div> <B>Communication that Helps</B><B>  |  </B><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><A HREF="http://help4self.net" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://help4self.net"><B>Home</B></A></FONT></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=155 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="id109.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Anxiety Disorder">Anxiety Disorder</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id33.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Best Prescription for Depression ">Best Prescription for Depression    </A></div> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.png" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Communication that Helps</B></div> <div> <A HREF="id49.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Depression Flu">Depression Flu</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id32.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Depression Talk Therapy">Depression & Talk Therapy</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Get Real and Your Relationship Will Too">Get Real and Your Relationship Will Too</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id59.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Hypnosis">Hypnosis</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id58.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Insomnia">Insomnia</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id61.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Irrational Ideas">Irrational Ideas</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id35.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Is Prozac Magic?">Is Prozac Magic?</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id63.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Managed Costs and Mangled Care">Managed Costs and Mangled Care</A></div> <div> <A HREF="ocd_in_a_poem.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="OCD in a Poem">OCD in a Poem</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id62.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sleepy?">Sleepy?</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id36.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Staying In Love">Staying In Love</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id75.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Stay Married for the Kids?">Stay Married for the Kids?</A></div> <div> <A HREF="id70.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Suicide: Unanswered Questions">Suicide: Unanswered Questions</A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 width="100%" BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>Communication in Our Relationships</B></div> <div> by David Mathis</div> <bR> <div> It is common for a couple to come into my office for the first time and say "We can't communicate." Then after a few minutes with emotions rising, the intensity increasing and voices becoming louder, it becomes obvious what they mean. I may think to myself, "No, you can communicate but you shouldn't. You communicate the wrong things and in the wrong way." Why is it so difficult to have effective communication? It may look so easy but we can attest to how difficult it is. </div> <bR> <div> Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. That process of communication must be built on attitudes of honor and respect for the other individual. The proper attitudes of communication are important because if you become skilled as a communicator then you can abuse that skill unless you have values that guide you in what you say and do. Our goal of communicating is to enrich our relationships, not to win or convince. I often will work with a husband who is an engineer or attorney who relies on logical and analytical reasoning. In his mind he may be able win every argument just on the strength of his logic but because of how he communicates he bruises the relationship. What good is it to prove that your point of view is "correct" if it weakens your relationship. Anyway, a great argument for your opinion does not disprove that your partner is just as worthy of an independent opinion? To strengthen our relationship we must communicate out of respect for the other person, including his or her different perspective.</div> <bR> <div> The proper attitudes allow communication to be carried out with deepening trust that you will not ridicule or demean me for my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. That trust allows intimacy and openness to grow. It is vital to help the other person to be open. One way to reduce openness is to blame and criticize. Once I start pointing the finger at you, you will feel the need to defend yourself. An important communication skill is learning to speak for yourself with "I Statements." These are statements that express your thoughts and feelings as your own rather than being caused by another person. "I Statements" may be very direct but they are not intended to be arguments. I am not trying to come up with a better point than you. Through an "I Statement" I am sharing myself with you, not trying to win. Such statements encourage open communication. </div> <bR> <div> Let me give you some illustrations of statements that discourage openness and then those that would help encourage open communication. As you read each pair of statements, think about the way you would feel.</div> <bR> <div> "You are so inconsiderate, You knew I wanted to leave on time." </div> <div> "I felt really angry when you did not show up at the time we agreed on." </div> <div>  </div> <div> "You don't think of anyone but yourself. You must think that I am the only one who is suppose to work around here."</div> <div> "I am feeling stressed by having so much to do around here. I would feel much better if you and I could talk about sharing the responsibilities."</div> <div>  </div> <div> "I told you that if you didn't study more that's what would happen."</div> <div> "How do <B>you</B> feel about your report card?"</div> <div>  </div> <div> "You'll get another date. I really didn't like Betty anyway."</div> <div> "You must feel sad about Betty."</div> <div>  </div> <div> You may have notice that open communication can still lead to very uncomfortable, tense situations as we attempt to honestly express our feelings. But there is a dramatic difference between asserting my feelings (thoughts and opinions) and demeaning or blaming someone else. I should take responsibility for feeling angry and state it rather than say: "You make me mad." It will likely be received quite differently. </div> <bR> <div> There are important skills in communicating effectively. Speaking for yourself rather than blaming the other person for how you think or feel is an important place to start. Your motivation for learning to communicate effectively should be based on your concern for others. If you truly care about the other person (spouse, child, or friend) as you should, you will try to communicate in a way that brings the two of you closer together. </div> <bR> <div> Effective communication will strengthen your relationship. </div> </td> </tr></table></body>